From Good Girl to Free Girl

I've walked down the Good Girl Path for as long as I can remember. Never done anything wrong, always listen to the adults in my surrounding, always kept my grades up. I went from a prestigious high school to university, and then took a gap year to do some solo traveling. That was when I for the first time felt free. [I summarized it in my first ever YT video, which you find here].

I came back, and took my exam. Then got a job as a Management Consultant, where I really felt I belonged. For 2 years I thrived, having truly high ambitions in my career. I also made an active choice in having my job as my hobby, because I realized I won't have energy for more things if I wanted to accomplish my visions. 

This worked for a while, but a small voice inside of me started to question whether to put all my energy only into work? I pushed it away at first, but when I realized I didn't even have energy to call my grand parents, I made a new goal that I for my second year wanted to step back a little bit to have at least some energy left for my free time as well.

...But it was easier said than done. 

I found myself, again and again, prioritizing work over my loved ones and my own interest. It wasn't because I wanted to, but because I didn't feel I had a choice. Work had to be done. My biggest issue wasn't working overtime - but the amount of energy I needed to put into work to do my job at the right level didn't leave room for anything else. 

Or, as I have realized now, the amount of energy I thought I needed to give to work left me drained. 

Another issue was that no one else seemed to catch the signals of me being that drained, my friends told me but never at work. Because why would they? An organisation that has an ambitious young girl that wanted to do so much for the company - seems like a dream. And I don't blame them. 

In my case, the only one that KNEW how I felt, was me. Problem was, I didn't do anything about it. Because I didn't know how.

So, I continued to push for another year. Where I felt my energy never exceeded 40 % of my total battery.

The resistance in me grew stronger, and in March 2024 I decided to take a longer break from work when summer came. 

But before summer came, I hit the wall. 

I remember feeling like standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing that if I'm taking one step further, I will fall. And I don't know if anything will catch me.

I traveled away on my break as I had planed, but the trip was going to become both a lot longer and a lot tougher than I had imagined. This was the first time in years when I finally gave myself and my brain a break, not taking anyone else in consideration but me. It felt freeing and terrifying at the same time. 

It was beautiful to for once having time to listen to what my body and inner voice had tried to tell me during all these years. But also tough to realize how much I had neglected myself through the years. And the more I healed, the more I realized how much I was stuck in the Good Girl ideal, trusting logic much more than my intuition.